Over the past few days I closed between 50 and 100 accounts I had with various services that I had accumulated over the past decade or two, something I had wanted to do for a long time but put off because it seemed tedious. Tasks like this, among others, seem to pile up easily with time, as various experiences create more and more messes to clean up or unfinished business.

I feel through my constant want to experience a vast range of things, my tendency to get heavily invested in few things at a time, and the limitations of time and human effort that I’ve built up an enormous amount of this type of baggage. Most days I feel utterly surrounded with, at times literally, unclosed books, lives unlived, and it can take a huge mental toll on me.

I’d like to take advantage of the limited free time I am able to find away from more serious commitments I am invested in to try to tackle this problem, and I feel that’s a normal desire to have, though I’m not sure if the extent to which I’d like to pursue this ideal is realistic. I fear that at some point I’ll have to simply give up and leave those experiences to be lived by others who still have time to experience them.

I feel like being overly self aware while doing nearly anything, including pursuits which could be described as leisure, makes them cease to be leisure, and that’s something I also struggle with a lot. It rarely feels like anything leisurely I do is actually leisure to me. It always feels like goals, tasks, lists, methodical pursuits, obligations.

I’m not sure where these thoughts will go in the future, but I suspect I’ll view myself as pretty silly for ever letting this kind of stuff weigh me down so much.